Baby Got Badunk
by MaitresseSaint
Summary: Why is Emmett McCarty fondling Bella Swan's biscuits? What has Jasper Hale so obsessed? My entry for the WORST STORY EVER contest.


**The Most Shitteous Craptastic Cuddlecock Crack Contest 2009**

Title of your entry: Baby Got Badunk

Penname: MaitresseSaint

Pairing: Jasper/Bella

Summary: Why is Emmett McCarty fondling Bella's biscuits and what's got Jasper Hale so obsessed?

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters!

To read the other crapalicious entries please visit http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2150031/

* * *

"Oh my gawd Jessica. Look at her butt! It is so… massive!" I hear Lauren Mallory whisper to her friend as I walk by. _When did it become a sin for a woman to have a badunkadunk, junk in the trunk, ass so fat you can see it from the front? I offer a piece of heaven on earth! _I thought to myself as I continued to walk past ignoring her ridiculous remark.

"Aren't those like lyrics to a song?" Her rather busty friend Jessica laughs. I continue to walk.

"No." She scoffs at her friends accusation and turns to walk in the other direction. I continue to walk.

I walk in to my music class and take my seat in the front row. I've been waiting for this class all day! While sitting and staring at the tan wall I hear a ruckus behind me. I turn around and find JASPER HALE setting up his setup. OH GOD he is so FUCKHOT! He must of felt me staring because his head shots up and we're staring at each other. Unf. What I wouldn't give to have him pumping into my glistening wet organ.

"Miss Swan, to the front please. I would like to start class if you don't mind." I turn around to face my teacher Mrs. Hobknocker but my mind is still trained on the blonde god behind me. I hear the teacher rambling off things about tempo, allegro, largo, tranquillo, but nothing registers. nothing but the sound of Jasper Hale breathing from across the room.

All to soon the last bell rings, which means the only class I have with Jasper Hale is over as is another school day. I gather my messenger bag and the hoard of books that won't fit in it and head into the hall. I go to my locker to drop off my stuff because there's no way I'm doing homework. _What kind of girl does THAT? _

"Bellaaaaaaaaaaa," my best friend Alice calls as she rounds the corner with her gangly boyfriend Mike. They walk up to my locker and start to make small talk. We make plans to go to a party at the Cullen house tomorrow night and even though I cannot stand to be around Edward not after yesterday I'm going because I know that Jasper Hell will be there. I hear Alice try to stifle a giggle but when I look at her in question she just shakes her head. I feel some1 yank me backward by the pockets of my jeans and immediately know its Emmett by the way his massive hands start fondling my ass.

"Where were you yesterday Baby Bells? I miss you."

"I was sick." I wasn't sick. Truth be told if Emmett were paying attention he would have noticed that Edward wasn't at school either.

"Ugh! What I wouldn't do to be able to spread this bad boy open and…"

"Emmett McCarty! Give you an inch and you take a goddamn mile. Get your hands off of Bella's bodacious booty and get over here. NOW!" When I first moved to Forks to live with my dad Emmett could not take his eyes off of me. I would duck behind corners and hide under desks just to escape him. Then one day I was standing in line to get lunch when I felt a hand clamp down on my rear. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. I jumped about ten feet before turning around and yelling at the big buffoon. Rosalie came over jumping all over him in my defense and apologized for her boyfriends inappropriate obsession with my ass. I told her that I didn't mind being groped but that there was a time and a place for everything. Rose and I have been friends ever since. We have even come to the agreement that since I enjoy Emmett's hands on my ass that as long as he keeps it clean he has free reign of my butt.

"Sorry Bella." Rose says still staring at Emmett with disgust.

"Don't be sorry. I'm actually a little turned on." Everyone laughs and it lightens the mood. We go our separate ways all agreeing to meet up at Edward's tomorrow night.

I walk out of the school and into the parking lot. The clouds are hanging low and I can tell it's about to rain. I try to remember where I park and while looking around I spot Jasper Hale leaning against his matte black '67 Mustang. Rawr! Once I set my eyes on my rusty old Ford I begin to walk but I make sure I'm in Jasper Hale's line of sight. My butt is so big that it wouldn't be hard for him to miss but I want to make sure he's paying attention so I give a little extra effort shaking and shimmying. Can't be sure but I'm sure his eyes was on me.

* * *

I wake up to the sound of my dad mowing the lawn. I quickly remember my plans for tonight and jump out of bed to get everything done. I rush through my morning routine before stuffing my face with my favorite strawberry pop tarts. I do a few loads of laundry clean my room and Char- I mean my dad's and send an email to Ren- I mean my mom.

* * *

I throw on my favorite jean skirt and Edward's favorite blue halter. I don't know why the asshole won't be touching this. I slip on my ballet flats throw my hair in a messy pony tail sweep a pale pink gloss on my lips and wait. Alice called an hour ago to tell me that her and Mike would be here soon. Leave it to Alice to keep me waiting. I love the little spiky haired pixie but for fucks sake can't she ever be on time. While I'm waiting Char- I mean my dad comes in the house. He stops at the kitchen door and clears his throat.

"You're not going out like that Bella. You look like a common whore."

"Do you even know what a common whore is Dad?"

"Bella your hinny is hanging out of that thing. Please. I'm the Chief of Police!" I notice Alice sitting outside and I'm anxious to get out the door.

"Whatever, Char- I mean dad. I gotta go."

I grab my jacket off the rack in the hall and race out the door. I hop into the back of the bright yellow stretch Cadillac the banana is what I like to call it and we take off. Alice drives like a bat out of hell and we arrive at the Cullen house in a mere six minutes. I rush out of the car pull dwon my skirt and run inside. I hear Alice calling after me but I don't have time to turn around. I have to see Jasper Hale.

"Bella!" Eric Dorkie greets me at the door.

"Not right now please Eric. I'm kind of looking for someone." I begin to walk away but Eric being Eric can't let anything go and calls after me.

"Well you have fun Bella. Your tuckus is looking mighty fine tonight."

I smirk and give him a wink "Thanks."

I push my way through the crowd. I've been looking for Jasper Hale everywhere! I see Edward standing by the small island in the middle of Esme's kitchen and try to turn and walk out of the room but he sees me. He rushes up behind me and wraps his arm around my waist. He leans down to whisper something in my ear but the only thing I can concentrate on is the vile smell of pussy and whiskey on his breath.

"Fuck off Edward."

"Don't be like that, Bella. You know I didn't mean the things I said." I turn around, my mouth hitting the fucking floor. How dare he think he that I will be letting him off that easy! ASSHOLE!

"Regretting them huh? Was that before or after you had your tongue buried inside of Angel Weber's meaty taco? Oh yes I can smell her all over you." I dramatically motion to his face and even he can't help but grimace.

"Yeah, baby, but you're the one who services up the best taco salad." I turn around to hide my smile and flip him off over my shoulder. I need to get away. I have to continue my search for Jasper Hale.

I walk out of the kitchen and into the living room. Rosalie and Emmett are on the couch, in the middle of a make-out session, that is about to be interrupted.

"Rose. Where is your brother?"

"I don't know." She says inside Emmetts mouth. I turn around to scan the room and when I do I feel Emmetts hand reach out and take a hand full of my tush. I look back at him, but he and Rose are still going at it. This kind of feels like a terrible threesome. I reach back and smack his hand away. I start scanning the room again.

A couple minutes have passed and still nothing. I see Alice bounding toward me with a shit eating grin. "He's upstairs Bella." She says in a sing song tone.

"What? How do you know?"

"I can see the future remember?"

"Right." I say sarcastically. I've begged her to get her head checked, but she said 'when you get lipo for your problem I'll get a shrink for mine.' Bitch!

I stalk off thinking about the way I was treated from my pixie bestie. She may not be a psychic, but she every now and then she's right about the thigs she says. I slowly walk up the stairs fucking stalking every corner. I check Carlisle and his wife Emma's room. I check Edward's Room. I even check them game room! Nothing! Not even a single person with beautiful curly blonde hair dripping into their eyes. I decide to take a break and relieve myself.

I walk into guest restroom. I take a look around and notice that Esme has done some redecorating; the once puke pink walls are now covered in a refreshing floral print. The same pink color décor has been replaced with a sea green and carpet has been striped to show the original hard wood flooring.

I walk over to the toilet and just as i'm about to reach under my skirt and pull down my Edwards-favorite-color-blue thong when I hear a knock at the door. I yell that I'll be right out and continue with my business. I sit down and right before I start to pee I see the knob of the door turn. I hop up and try to get my panties up before intruder can get inside but I fail. I close my legs at the knee and look up to Jasper Hale.

"I'm sorry. Please continue. I just had to get away from there." I'm frozen in my spot. "Just take your piss, Bella. I'm not looking. I swear." I sit back down and deflate my bladder. Once I'm finished I turn around to flush. My skirt still scrunched up around my waist and my panties hitting the top of my knees. I hear a loud uhhhh come from behind me so I turn to see what the problem is and when I do Jasper Hale is staring right at my crotch.

"Umwhat's wrong?" I ask quickly pulling up my Edwards-favorite-color-blue thong.

"I've been waiting a long time for this moment Bella. Please excuse me for being so forward but I have this indiscribable pull toward your gluteus maximus and I have to get to know it." Oh my god! Did he just say he wants to get to know me?

"Would you like to maybe go out sometime or something?" I say the last part as almost a whisper.

"Actually I was thinking more along the lines of… RIGHT. NOW." He walks over to me and turns me around. My skirt is still bunched up around my waist, so I'm shocked when he gets down on his knees and places his face firmly in between my bon-bons. Raspberries? Is he giving me raspberries? Oh.. OH!

"OH!! Jasper Hale! Are you motor boating my popper?" He does it one more time before removing his face and gripping my lady lumps in his hands and kneading them. I could cum from the feeling.

"God Bella it's so… so… ah-ma-zing!"

"Thank you Jasper Hale."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course Jasper Hale you can ask me anything." I say lightly stroking his cheek bone.

"Well" he hesitates "I was wondering if maybe you'd let my hardened member plummet your dripping wet heated core while your beautiful bottom bounces up and down on my abdomen."

"Oh Jasper Hale. I thought you'd never ask."

He doesn't say anything else. He drops his pants and hm, commando. He lays his bare ass on the hardwood floor of the bathroom and motions for me to get on. I slide my Edwards-favorite-color-blue thong down my legs and straddle him in the backwards cowgirl position. I position him at my throbbing entrance and slam down.

He lets out a purr and a sigh and starts thrusting up into me.

"Oh I love you." He shouts and I couldn't be happier.

"I love you too Jasper Hale. I love you too!"

His movement halts and he stokes my ass lovingly, "Err,,, I was actually talking to your biscuits, but don't worry Bella. I'm sure we'll get there one day." I merely shrug my shoulders and keep going. At least he loves part of me.

It only takes two minutes for Jasper Hale to reach his climax. The noises he makes aren't all that attractive but eh you gotta take what you can get. I still love him. I didn't get to get off but I'm fine. I'm glad it happened at all. I start to stand up but he drags me back down by my arm.

"Snuggle with me?"

I nod my head and curl up to him, in the spooning position. It only takes a couple of minutes for Jasper Hales attention to be directed back to my derriere. He takes one of my cheeks in his hand and slips his limp penis to rest in between my buns.

"What are you doing?" I ask confused. He is mistaken if he thinks I'm going thurrrr.

"Um letting your ass cuddle my cock. It's kind of chilly."

Oh. Cuddlecocking! Right. I think I heard something about that on that Twitter once.

* * *

It's been a year since Jasper and I cuddlecocked on Esmes bathroom floor and just like he said he would one day he fell in love with me. I think it must have been two months ago when I gave birth to his half breed daughter Michelle. She's half southern – half plain Jane with a badunk; everyone sees it! Jasper asked me to marry him a few days ago but I declined. My parents didn't do so well at the marriage thing and it's just like my grandma Swanson always said 'don't fix things that aren't broken.'

My badunk is still #1 in his heart, but I know one day that will change. One day it will be me that he fights over. Yup, Jasper Hale and Emmett had it out. Not two days after the party Emmett was feeling me up when Jasper Hale punched him in the face and screamed 'MINE.' Like a mad man! Needless to say that put an end to that.

Edward has since been regularly finger banging Angela Weber's taco. He stays pretty far away.

Alice and Mike moved on to college in Seattle but visit like Makala regularly. Alice is her godmother after all. Bless her little cross-breed heart.

Rose pressures me daily to marry that twin of hers but like I told Jasper Hale it just wouldn't work.

Maybe one day I'll change my mind, but for now me and my ass are happy with the way things are. I mean who else do you know that gets their ass cuddled by Jasper Hale's cock daily?

* * *

OKAY!!! What did you think? Did I do a shitteous job or what?

Did you notice the cliches?? Hmmm...

Special thank you to JaspersDestiny for holding this wonderful contest!! It was a lot of fun to write for.


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